Stereotyping mothers & stilettos

I am a mum who wears stilettos. Wearing them helps me remember my individuality - my dreams and aspirations - apart from being a wife and mother. Therefore, to suggest that only slow-footed women with trivial agendas wear stilettos is a sexist assumption likened to the distorted notion that older mothers cannot rise to the demands of their former PME jobs when they return to work.

Many of us, sure-footed as we approach the job market with resumes conscientiously preened and primed to reflect professionalism, effectiveness and readiness, are disheartened to find that what trip us up on our return are outdated mindsets and practices. We walk on grounds that are rigged and infested with hirers’ prejudice, fear and short-sightedness.

I will tackle each erroneous perception with what I have observed to be contributing factors.

Prejudiced Perception

It’s not surprising that ageism is a learnt attitude. In the family, we watch how grandparents and older relatives go about life in their later years, and we are influenced by their concept of ageing.  Even in her eighties, my maternal grandmother continued her extended travels to China and Canada to meet friends and family. Speaking only Cantonese, she had a knack for getting around and getting help. She was not someone I had ever considered over her prime for she had lost none of her mental acumen for decision-making and astuteness in money matters. She lost some friends over mahjong but was quick to recoup with new ones. Health foods groups unscrupulously held her up as their ambassador to sell their products.

Naturally, my grandmother is the standard for how I want to grow old. But later, I found that she was a rare breed. There are many able-bodied seniors, only in their seventies, who are totally dependent on their adult children to get about and to make decisions. They seem to simply exist with no joy of life or purpose. A decade ago, I had spent time with able-minded and able-bodies seniors in their sixties at a senior activity centre who told me they were waiting to die. To me, it seems to me that dependency and despondency in the elderly could be learned mindsets rather than effects of ageing.

This sets me thinking about our perception of ageing: what do news and images around tell us? There seems to be no shortage of uplifting stories about Singaporeans in their twenties and thirties in every arena of life – business, sports, community, education. In comparison, stories where older Singaporeans are mentioned include reports of nursing homes (abuse and new developments), healthcare and community facilities for the elderly, the plight of low-wage older workers, and parents fighting over inheritance and properties with their adult children.

Have we drawn up the determinants for prime of life too thinly and planned economic obsolescence too soon for those of us in our forties and beyond?

It’s hard to miss the gap: you’re either young with a full head of hair and ideas to contribute to society, or past your prime with a tuft as grey as your relevance. The transition from robust economic participation of the under-40s to their run-out dates – which seem to be getting closer to the mid-40s - is abrupt and distinct. Images of youthful productivity switch to images of seniors whose only interest is to find leisure activities like exercising outdoors.

If there is an in-between group consisting of stay-at-home mothers like me who have no plans for a life of dotage now or in our autumn years, we are under-represented in mainstream media. Without suitable prominence, how could we influence employers’ mindsets? Should a returning PME cheer when offered a lower job that discounts the resume of paid and pro bono productive work because it happened some time ago?  Are we just a group of job seekers pit against younger and cheaper foreign talent who are paid salaries we got early on in our career? Is there no value to our broader and deeper insights that bring about enhanced outcomes? Is there no value for our ability to coach impetuous and impatient colleagues to see the forest and the trees?

In 2009, 3000 baby boomers (aged 48-65)¹ surveyed by MCYS revealed that over 36% valued the need to work as much as they do family time and time for self.  Those with tertiary education [diploma and degree holders] ‘desire to be more successful and accomplished in their retirement years as compared to baby-boomers with no or lower educational qualifications’.  

But is this going to happen when hirers are biased in their selection?

Fear-driven Perception

In medical terms, Gerascophobia² is the name for a fear of growing old. An online medical dictionary describes it as ‘an abnormal and persistent fear of growing old. Sufferers of this fear experience undue anxiety about aging even though they may be in good health - physically, economically and otherwise. They may worry about the loss of their looks, the loss of independence, inactivity after retirement, impaired mobility, the onset of disease, and confinement in a nursing home.’

The proliferation of youthful themes and our pre-occupation with pre-retirement career goals only generate resentment and disdain towards growing old and the implicit path downhill. Does anyone want to rush into decades of only hedonistic pursuits with no fulfilling outputs? Such a nugatory assumption of ageing only triggers voluntary early retirement and perpetuates ageist employment conditions and practices. In reality, with the high costs of living today, few would be able to afford a life of supine existence.

I suspect there are as many mums who want to return to the workforce after their children are grown as there are younger ones who are thinking of taking time off to stay home with their young charges.  As mothers, we want to enjoy spending time with our children as much as we do having them because they are valuable and loved.  To do so, we need the recognition and support of hirers and employers for successful transitions from the workplace to home and back to the workplace. Such validation goes a long way to help women have more children to meet the replacement rate of a population with a growing number of unmarried adults and ageing citizens. 

Short-sighted Perception

Not everyone needs to stand on heights or heels to see the remote forest behind the trees. But when businesses are squeezed by high running costs and staff turnover, employers can become short on vision. They tackle the woes of rising costs with a fixation to bring down running costs instead of developing viable plans to improve their deliverables. In this short-sighted schema, employers choose to cut jobs and lower salaries to improve profitability rather than to hire the right people to boost productivity and sales.

I am reminded of the alienation and marginalization I feared when I first decided to leave fulltime work. To employers who favour a resume of continuous employment, a woman’s decision to stay home with the children is still seen as an impediment for her return to work. It is a perception that generally equates continuous employment and youth with productivity. Unemployed and no longer younger, you’re out of the game. 

In truth, mature PMS who transit from home to the workplace form a valuable pool of human resource to complement younger mothers who now have to juggle raising a family and building their careers. We do not need to take maternity or childcare leave as we are now free of childbearing and childcare issues to focus on rebuilding our careers which had been sacrificed for family.  Our successful transition will be an enormous encouragement to younger mothers.I

When all is said and done, I’m an optimist with a tall order: I believe I can have it all - family and self-realization. In time, the game plan will need to change as more pro-family policies and practices are put in place in the days ahead. PMEs need not regret their decision to stay home for the children. Our sacrifice teach the children the virtues of compassion and self-sacrifice against a culture of getting ahead as the be-all and end-all of life. These are qualities that makes our children more humane, and they go a long way to make them Singaporeans who build their nation with a heart...and not just the head! 

To commend myself for sacrifices well-given, I've just got myself another 4-1/2 inch heels! As expected, I fit the demands of its design to a T! And of course, they are hardly made for walking.

1 - MCYS (2009) The Baby Boomers Survey

2 - WebMD (2012)

Keeping Your Cutting Edge Without Bleeding

Let’s face it – most of us approach the prospect of leaving the workforce to be caregivers with ambiguous feelings. While the caregiving issues that had tugged at our hearts for the longest time are finally given due attention, there’s also the pestilent question ‘Will I ever be the same again?’

When I bid farewell to my last 9-to-5 at an MNC, I was expecting my third child and in my second trimester. I went into the job pregnant with my second child and left pregnant with my third! [Yes, I had to put in a lot more effort to show my boss and colleagues that I was in top form in spite of the pregnancies! I was even offered a promotion after the birth of my second child.] However, my calling to domestication became clearer as I grew uncomfortable with the prospect of leaving my helper [though very competent] to face the demands of caring for three under-six children alone. Even so, to leave what had been a large part of my life for over a decade was scary. To be totally honest, by the time I bid farewell to my colleagues, to my position and its vested power, and strode out of the corridors of corporate destiny into the heart call of no-position and no-pay, I had already conspired a Plan B. A trip had been planned for meetings with some people in London to explore a new business that served niche markets for medical devices. It would be a small home-based enterprise, a one-woman show.

Yes, Plan B was motivated by the fear that once home, I would decay in relevance, knowledge and importance to society. From being counted in the labour force, I would instead be saying ‘I’m not working’, of course. Much as it has turned out to be the most rewarding experience on a moment-to-moment level [am still enjoying it now], making the full transition was too scary for me. Hence, Plan B was contrived to help the transition.

In the first two years, I spent up to a few hours a day on expanding contacts, building brand recognition, and occasionally [remember it's niche marketing] pitching my products to doctors and clinicians. Gradually, as the business stabilized, I spent only a few hours each week to keep clients happy, and still remained on top of the game while it lasted. After all, I only had three small lines of product to sell.

[However, I would like to add for caution that there are no shortcuts to build a start-up from scratch. Prior knowledge and experience in developing a new business will ensure that you don’t move from one fulltime job to another – just home-based.]

Here are some other things I do to stay informed, interesting and involved in society from day one.

READING....the dailies

When you no longer have the luxury of company-paid dailies, not that you had time to read them every day anyway, the humble Straits Times will put you in good stead to stay informed on local and international news. On TV, there’s CNA, CNN and BBC online.

30 minutes a day is all you need!

RESPOND ...to do good

Being away from work and colleagues can make you passive and withdrawn. There are several ways to be involved in non time-consuming projects or causes for the greater good.

Thanks to vibrant online communities and news portals, you can now have a voice on important matters right in your own home! Post your thoughts on a topic or news item. However, the idea is to do your part to make the world a better place, so be wary of the temptation to join the swarms of flaming and injurious postings.

Offline, writing letters to the Forum of the Straits Times has moral boosting effect when what you have to say is deemed to be of interest to the general public and your letter gets published! Take time to craft your response to keep it on an even keel for effect and appeal.

Volunteerism is also a good way to step out of your world and into someone else's for a short time. Contrary to common protests, offering hands-on help does not necessarily mean long hours of volunteerism, or even being away from home. If you are a caregiver of an elderly, you could join or form a self-help group with other caregivers going through the same situation. If you are a parent, offer your skills to help out at your child’s school. In my first year at home, my oldest daughter was only at primary one. And though the school was far from where we lived then, I signed up for volunteer work that I could handle entirely from home. As a result, I was tasked to put out a monthly newsletter and to create the first website for the school's parent volunteer group. The involvement was only once a month, and I worked during my 'down time' late at night when the family was in bed. These late-night creative work became an important part of the ME-ONLY time that I so missed during the day.

Today more than before, there is a wide array of choices for those who want to give back to society through volunteer work. Some even provide specialized trainings [AWARE provides intensive training for their helpliners] that will equip you with a new skill set to boast of.

REDISCOVER PEOPLE...catch up with someone

I like hosting and especially for foot-weary and time-strapped mums, nothing’s more welcoming than an invite to lunch [along with kids in tow], be pampered with a meal they don’t need to whip up themselves, and have adult company and conversation. Over the years, I've enjoyed having the daytime company of different women friends - both single and married - at my home.

Start small. Invite one person you haven’t had time to catch up with before [or never knew existed till now] to your home for a simple breakfast or lunch. I don't know of any hands-on mums [not maid bolstered tais-tais] who will expect elaborate feasts and most will be only too happy to have a time-out from their own kitchens to notice your salt less soup, or overcooked chicken breasts. The company and chance to interact with another adult on a social level - with the kids happily fed too - will more than compensate for any shortfalls. The focus really is on people, not performance. What a relief, what a difference!

Welcome to life @ home!